armine's Blog

The light in the parlor was hazy; his face was flushed from the liquor. Bernadine was not her usual self around him lately, and he didn't want to ask her what her sudden distance toward him was about.

He had a lot on his mind... and his thoughts were growing heavier and drowning in their own weight.

Then he saw her.

A child.

She was lovely - so radiant. She wore a blue frock coat and a frilly, matching cloth bonnet. She looked to be about six.

"What are you doing here?" he asked the unknown girl who was crouched on her haunches beneath the table.

"You left us", she answered in a small voice - and to Emil it had appeared as though her mouth had not opened while she spoke.

Emil peered at her, his senses suddenly piqued, sharpened. "What do you know about that?"

The pretty, light-haired girl grinned but her eyes remained cool and elusive. "Everything", she replied. Again, her lips had not moved.

Emil sat straight up on the sofa. "What do you want of me? Why did you come here?" he bellowed.

THe child became frightened by his tone, stood up and ran from the room.

Emil got up and went after her, determined to ask her more questions.

Nearly twenty minutes later, a perplexed Emil returned to the parlor.

After searching every inch of the house, the child had been nowhere to be found.

He dreamed about their time together up North - the midnight dogsledding trips, the ice-caving expeditions, the horseback rides to nowhere, the fossil hunting they'd done. They had once taken a trip out to Barentsburg, sailed around the northernmost tip of Greenland; they had been mesmerized by the aurora-borealis, had had their own lifestyle together. He recalled one particular outing, when she had been about six months pregnant with Aric; they had gone boating in the waters by the Lofoten Islands, where Mariel would give birth to their son.

"I will always love you", she had told him, wrapping her arms tightly around him as the waves tossed about the little boat they'd been in. "You will always be a part of my heart".

Emil had never made her any promises, but he had kissed - and slept with - her quite often during his stay in the Arctic.

Bernadine poked her head intot he parlor (where Emil was spending much of his time now) before heading upstairs to bed for the night.

"A man came looking for you today", she told Emil quietly.

Emil glanced over at her, a harsh gleam in his eye. "What did he want?"

"He wanted to speak to you", she replied. "He didn't leave his name".

Emil watched his wife as she turned to leave, pausing to glance back at him before reaching the staircase.

The look in his eye frightened her.

She went up the stairs in a hurry.

Mitzi came into the kitchen one blustery weekend morning in the middle of December. Bernadine had tried to keep her voice down while fighting with Emil, but apparently she had not succeeded.

Almost immediately Bernadine noticed that there was something different about her daughter, but she could not quite pinpoint what it was.

As she went about fixing breakfast for Mitzi, the child sat across from Emil at the table and stared at him somberly.

Emil glanced at her cursorily as he flipped a page of the newspaper.

"I saw the face of the man who's been chasing me", said the little girl as Bernadine gave her some toast. "He finally took his mask off". She paused, staring at Emil. "It was you, Vati!"

Bernadine's nerves were on edge; upon hearing this, the egg she'd been holding slipped from her hand and cracked by her feet on the floor.

The suitcases were packed; Mitzi seemed more cheerful than she had in months but Daegan did not want to leave.

"Your father and I have to work through a few problems", she told her son as she led him and his younger sister outside. "Hopefully things will be better by the time you get back after Christmas".

Bernadine waved good-bye to the children as they climbed into their aunt's car; they would be taken to Als Sund to stay with Bernadine's parents for the next week and a half.

Things were too hard with Emil for the children to stay around now...

                                                                          -Ehehelfer-

It was the first week of November, and Emil was sitting at his usual place in the parlor, numb from the liquor's effects. He was starting to doze off, watching pellets of icy rain hit the windowpane in fits and starts as a northerly wind picked up and howled through the glass. His mind was racing with thoughts, almost manically; he had fought with Bernadine earlier over something so trivial he had already forgotten what it was. He was thinking it was midnight but in fact it was nearing half-past two; a couple of lights were still on, and he thought about getting up to shut them off since he didn't want to argue with his wife anymore tonight. Still, his eyelids were heavy, and soon he would be in a slumber.

Then he heard it.

A child.

A child was crying, somewhere in the adjoining hallway.

Mitzi and Daegan should be sleeping - they had school in a few short hours.

Emil slowly stood up, steadying himself on the table he used to scan through the newspapers.

The crying sound was slight, but it was there.

Emil made his way over to the lightswitch that would illuminate the hallway.

No one was there in that area.

He frowned, shut the light off again... returned to his spot on the sofa, got the blanket and was at last ready to sleep.

The crying sound came again.

Emil checked on both of his children and found them sleeping soundly in their beds.

He checked around the ground floor windows; found nothing, no one anywhere.

He returned to the couch - but the crying of a child could still be picked up by his ears.

Fifteen minutes later his wife appeared in the parlor and went to turn off the light.

"Don't", Emil commanded, startling her. "I want that light to stay on".

THe dinner could have been more cordial and pleasant that evening; Bernadine had done what she could have to be a good hostess to her husband and his guest but the two had barely seemed to notice. Immediately after the meal they had slipped into a wing of the parlor's sealed-off den, a room that Emil had not stepped foot into since he'd gone away during the war.

As she proceeded to clean up in the kitchen, Bernadine could hear bits and pieces of the conversation taking place behind closed doors.

"thought that you took care of this..."

"wasn't finalized until after the documents were found..."

"can't give you anything, this wasn't what we agreed to..."

"the lawyers will just have to look at it..."

Then suddenly, the door to the private den opened and Herr Ehrens stormed out of the house.

Emil followed at his heels to the front door, then slammed the door shut as soon as his guest was past the threshold...

The physical demands and expectations put on him and the other male participants had been rigorous and of very high standards throughout the duration of the program. They constantly underwent exams, blood tests and regularly engaged in contact competitve sports with others in their group. Emil's code number had been T117GS; he had been required to identify himself regarding anything that went on within this underground establishment.

He had been allowed to tour (with a guide at all times) several of the labs stationed there; he had found the genetics lab to be both informative and interesting. He remembered glimpsing the little faces of the sleepy newborns; some peered at him with glassy light eyes, some wiggled their feet restlessly. Each of the infant subjects had been issued an ID wrist bracelet, with a number stamped on it, before they were assigned birthnames.

And in a hidden section, behind the lab childern on display, were clinicians busy at work with beakers, tubes, monitors, charts, graphs and vials of blood, to be viewed through the lenses of their cold, steel microscopes.

Emil stared hard at the colored sketch that he found laying on the parlor table.

"Where did this come from?" he asked his wife, who was knitting on the sofa.

"Mitzi drew that, in art class", was Bernadine's reply. "Where do you think we should display it?"

Emil picked it up and stared at it in partial disbelief.

The drawing so closely resembled a seashore he had visited so many times in south Greenland that chills ran up and down his spine.

...New England weather is crazy. For the past ten days or so, we Bostonians have been 'spoiled' by a taste of spring in the air. Now, this morning I wake up to see snow flying around outside the window, and the forecasters are saying there should be a foot (or so) of snow on the ground by tomorrow morning. 'Wunderbar' - only another month or so before spring, right? Looks like Old Man Winter isn't quite done with us yet...

Yesterday I attempted to go on my EP blogsite from my work computer, and found that I couldn't do it. So I decided to check one of my circle friend's blogpage, to see if it was just mine or everybody's - message came up 'DNS Server down'. Here at my home PC, I had no trouble getting on here... must have something to do with the work PC. Ah well - if I have to blog from my home computer then that is OK, no biggie.

Let me tell you how illiterate I am about computers!~ Yesterday I went to log on (from work), and the message kept coming up 'Monitor going to sleep'. So you know, I got out a flashlight, checked all the wires and connections for the good part of an hour... finally, exhausted I was just about to give up on it when suddenly I noticed a button on the top of the monitor, under the desk. I pressed the little button and - oh, so that's how you turn the PC on ! So if you think YOU don't know much about computers, that little ditty should make you feel more knowledgeable than me!!

My roommate is acting really kooky. Lately I have been coming home from work to a dark apartment with all the lights off; so I think 'Great, she's asleep, I can go to sleep in peace with no problems'. But then, not five minutes after I step through the door, my roommate gets up, turns the lights on and starts making all kinds of noise. On goes the TV, the radio or a DVD; I don't mind that, but she always seems to turn the volume way up. Why - so I won't be able to sleep? How came she wakes up when I get in (which is always after midnight) to start watching television real loud? I'm so sick of her drama; she's still not working, and as far as I know she has no money coming in but that's not my problem to handle. She never did go and get that surgery she should have gotten in the fall. She lies to me and her mother about having a job - she does not have a job. I am tired of her constant lying and dishonesty; I don't trust anything she says, and I wish the landlord would wake the hell up and see her as she really is. This cannot go on forever; a part of me believes that eventually she and I will part ways, but I don't see why I should be the one that has to move out when I am the good one and she is the bad one (obviously). I don't lie to the landlord about anything - but SHE lies to everybody, about everything, and that is the root of all her problems. Until she is able to be honest (with herself and everyone else), she is going to suffer... but I'm not going down with her. My sympathy for her is over - at 40 years old she should be able to take care of herself. Get a job, get some therapy, whatever - but do SOMETHING! Enough is enough of this crap.

I love my new bunny slippers that I ordered through a catalog through the mail; I never realized, until I slipped my feet into these wonderful, comfy slippers, how pleasant it feels to come home after a long day of work and slip something nice on my feet. Nothing like a good pair of slippers to help you unwind and relax...

My roommate is really aggravating me. I feel like she listens to everything that I do in my room whenever I'm here. I cannot use my phone here, because we had a problem with that when I first moved in and I vowed it would never happen again. I am trying to just mind my own business here; I have my problems too, and I am not responsible for her problems. I can't believe it - a forty-year-old woman who cannot handle her own life. The only time she ever seems happy is when she is lying to someone about something, and she thinks that they believe her. She doesn't seem like a very good person to me; nobody likes being lied to. Then, when someone confronts her about her obvious dishonesty, she gets angry and STILL continues to lie. What kind of a person does that? And why should anybody tolerate it? I don't even want to speak to her... I can't believe what she tells me.

That's all for now... peace out .

He found himself deep inside a cave, much like the previous occasion; fires were burning, children were singing and the strong man appeared once again at the altar.

But this time, he was their special guest of honor.

Or was he their evening sacrifice?

His wrists and ankles were tied; he watched as the leader had the knives washed until they gleamed in the dim firelight. He felt a sharp pain across his chest - he knew he was bleeding, and it appeared as though the blood was being collected and the droplets placed in steel tubes. The ringleader donned an eyemask, and his cutting was very clean and precise. He was beginning to think that this was not so bad... but then he glimpsed the axman poised behind the ringmaster, and his blood went cold as a blindfold was slipped in front of his eyes.

He was being positioned onto a wooden plank; his heart thudded wildly in his chest as he was laid on his back on its surface. He could feel the presence of the axman nearby - but the blindfold was suddenly ripped off of him and he found himself staring at the ringleader. The stranger's eyes plunged deep into his core, probing, searching... inquisitive yet secretive and unreadable. A quick second later he felt the wooden plank beneath him give way, and then he was falling into a pit of unknown depth as fear overtook his mind and senses.

Then, all of a sudden - nothing at all.

A frightened, distraught Resi sat perched at the edge of the bed, staring wide-eyed at her lover as her heart raced with fear and confusion.

"What has happened to you?" she whispered into the dark room. "You seemed like you were trying to kill me. What is the matter with you?"

Herr Herdt got up from the bed so quickly that Resi had to muffle a scream; an icy panic gripped her soul as he bent down and grabbed her blond locks.

"Perhaps", he whispered back in a menacing voice, "you should talk to your husband about it".

He left the house a few minutes later, leaving Resi in the dark bedroom. She watched him leave through the window, and knew that things between them were no longer the same...

Today marks the day I have been living without drugs for 12 years. The first year was very tough; I remember one of my sisters saying, "Yeah, right - she won't be able to kick her habit. She has tried before and failed, so what makes her think she will be a success with it now?" This is a sister that I am not very close to; she is the one living at home (basically living off my dad's money, because she decided to have a child), and she has the nerve to continue to look down on me because I was able to beat the addiction. I got her a mug for Christmas and a Christmas card... but basically, when I quit the habit I had no support whatsoever from anyone, I had to do it myself. I was tired of being broke all the time (drugs take a lot of your money), sick of living at home; it was just time to quit and yes, I did fail a couple of times prior to succeeding. One time I went 11 months, then smoked a joint again (that was a stupid thing to do). Anyway - this is a special day for me, to be sure. I find it interesting, how people seem to be less critical of potsmokers these days; the few times I visited NA (Narcotics Anonymous), they took any form of drug abuse very seriously, and abstinence was an absolute must in order to succeed in the program. I didn't stay in it, but the few times I did attend meetings I met some people who went through problems much harder than my own, and they had been able to quit their habit of using. And that brought it home to me: 'If they can do it, I can do it too' - and I did. It wasn't easy getting clean - I'm not going to lie about that - but you know what, once you get past that first year, you just want to keep going with it, and you don't want to go back. With the help of my 'higher power' (I'm more comfortable calling this entity 'my muse'; it's different for different people), I will be drug-free for the rest of my life. I do drink red wine, but I do not consider myself addicted to it - it's all about the antioxidants, baby. If I ever get into a problem with the substance where I feel like I am getting addicted to it (I know what addiction feels like), then guess what - I will quit it! I already promised myself that.

It was surprising (and sad) to learn yesterday that one of my circle members, Ms. Individual, has decided to leave Experience Project. Although she did leave some e-mail info for her circle friends, I doubt very much I will be contacting her. She was a very young person; and though I will miss her on this site, her health and well-being must come first. I wish her every happiness, and much prosperity in all of her future endeavors. Perhaps she will go into journalism, or something related to this - man, could that girl write stories!! Best of luck to her in the future.

The Internet has been set up at work; we will see how long this lasts. Actually it is only for supervisory personnel (I happen to be one); I have been given the password by John, who's running the show, because he 'doesn't want everyone having access to Internet' (smart choice, John; thank you). My biggest challenge, I think, will be to stay off my fave band's websites; I HAVE TO stay off of them, because once I am on it's very hard to get off (their sites are addictive to me!). We have a printer here, too... and I have been tempted to print out an image of the lead singer (I think the dude is one hot piece of beefsteak), with a chicken (or whatever it is) attached to his groin. It's part of one of the videos that they did, a few years back; boy I'd love to paste that image right over my bed, that's for sure! But no, I can't do that; I have to be a good girl on here, so I need to be cautious!

Think that's about all for now... hope everybody is looking forward to spring. Only about a month away, kids - hang in there, it is coming! Peace out...

Lately I just don't feel like myself, I don't know why. I feel at a loss for words, very guarded about what I am thinking and feeling; feels like if I say something that is unusual or unpopular according to cultural viewpoints, I will be outcasted and labelled. Yet, there is something going on inside my head at the moment; I can't call it a transformation but there is a change taking place. My thoughts are going somewhere different, but I feel like I can't discuss it with anyone because no one will understand. Last night, while I was dreaming, I saw myself walking along a shoreline that I did not recognize... but suddenly I knew where I was, and I felt happy inside. I can't talk about anything right now; it's like there is a veil over my soul and no one can be allowed admittance to wherever it is that I am. My muse is taking me places that I have never been to in my present incarnation, but once I am there I recognize where these places are.

Perhaps an even more disturbing thought: once I am there I don't want to leave.

I don't know what's going on... and I can't talk about this any further at this time.

Maybe this is just some sort of temporary phase - but if it isn't then I will just have a lot of secrets that I will need to keep to myself.

Story Title: The Dacia Tribe (Cult Of Jedrus)

Time: 1700

Location: Kassel and the surrounding hills

Main character: Herr Darick Herdt, who has been privately hired by Count von Wallich of Lohfelden to investigate a series of disappearances in the hills to the east of the city (Kassel).

Excerpt is toward the end of the story...

A loud knock at his room door startled him out of his semi-hypnotic state.

He opened the door just wide enough to have a look at who his visitors might be; he saw two well-dressed men standing there whom he did not recognize.

"What do you want?" he asked tersely.

"Herr Herdt - we need to speak with you", answered one calmly. "We have been sent from the state court of Hesse-Darmstadt, to speak to you regarding certain matters".

"Show me your credentials", ordered Herr Herdt.

The two men glanced at each other, but then quickly held out valid indentification and an order that was stamped from the state.

Herr Herdt scrutinized each document with his one peeking eye from behind the door, then gave them entrance into his cramped quarters.

The two visitors were alarmed and more that a little spooked by what they saw in the room (as well as Herr Herdt's gaunt physical appearance), but kept their opinions to themselves.

"What is this about?" asked Herr Herdt, slamming the door as soon as they had both crossed the threshold.

"Count von Wallich is missing", said the second man. "Do you have any idea why?"

Herr Herdt appeared insulted by the inquiry. "No, of course I do not. What makes you think that I would?"

"You were working on an assignment for him", said the first one, and now he has just disappeared like so many others".

"I don't know anything about it", Herr Herdt told them rather flatly. "Is this all you came to see me about? I'm sorry to have wasted your time..."

Fifteen minutes later the two state messengers left his room and then the premises, both agreeing that their subject needed a psychiatric evaluation done in the very near future...

He disappreared into the hills and visited with Kyriah again; inside her small cave home was a room full of heavy, leather-bound books.

"We are versed in four languages", she told him as he casually perused through the books on the shelves. "We speak German and Hungarian, but we also read and write Latin, and Gothic as well".

"I wish to meet the ringleader".

"He wants to meet you too".

Herr Herdt glanced over at her, unsure whather to believe her.

"May I call you by your first name?" she asked.

"I hardly know you", was her visitor's reply.

Awhile later Kyriah went over to him and handed him a sackful of Curio. "These will keep you safe, protect you", she said as his hand stayed for too long over hers. "Everything will be fine".

"Do you know the status of Count von Wallich?"

"I cannot discuss it with you. You will meet Gotzon. Soon".

Here are some questions that are floating through my mind:

1. Do fish sleep?

2. Why do people complain so much?

3. Why does the letter 'u' always follow 'q' in the English language?

4. How is the woman that just had octuplets going to pay for 14 kids? (Maybe she should ask all these pro-life people in this country to give her some money; she is going to need it).

5. When is Easter this year?

One more thought: about this stimulus package. In my humble opinion, I think part of the problem is the way we are expecting some kind of a 'quick fix' from the government. I think we need to start looking beyond the next ten days and instead start looking at the next ten YEARS, as far as the economy is concerned. We are a nation that has come to believe in the 'quick fix' whenever we are experiencing discomfort; but as far as the economy goes, it isn't going to be as simple as shooting up your mouth with a shot of novacain or slapping a band-aid on the wound. People are quick to criticize Obama - he doesn't vote on the bills, Congress does. We have to face the fact that we are going to be saddled down with economic problems for the next 3-10 years (I'm not an economist, this is just a random guess); so when we are talking about our economic problems, let's get beyond the immediate moment and focus more on the long-term. There is no easy way out of whatever dark hole we have fallen into, so a mindset adjustment is a good idea moving forward. This is going to take time - a LOT of time - and that's just the grim reality. Peace out...

...but it looks like I'm doing it anyway. I will be up all night, no sleep the job requires it... I wrote a previous blog but the connection went dead before it had a chance to be saved. Now I am in the main office; I can't stay but the guy at the front desk is asleep... going to make this short, sleep is a long way off for me at the moment.

I can't remember the exact day that it started... but if I remember correctly, we have been getting snow (and frigid temperatures often not making it out of the teens) on average every three days or so, since around the middle of December. It snows, the plows and shovels come out; the temps go way down and you feel like your nose will fall off after being out for five minutes - out come the thermals and three sweatshirts again. Then there's a brief, one-day respite, where the sun will peek out and we get above freezing for a few hours - next day the local forecasters are telling us another storm is on its way and everything gets crazy again. It was snowing out earlier, now it's raining; then it's going to freeze up overnight, and the next couple of days the temps are supposed to hover around the freezing mark, which means lots of icy patches on the sidewalks and falling ice from the rooftops.

I like the winter season - but not when it's brutal like this!!

I tried a new health product this week - Fiber One Pop-Tarts (Brown Sugar Cinnamon flavor) - and my verdict is, it's pretty good! And I am glad about that, because now I can reach for a box of Pop-Tarts and not feel funny about it, because I'm not a little kid anymore ;). They made a kid's food for adults (or in my case, big kids) - very good idea - and they taste pretty good, too.

Supposedly they are setting up Internet access at the new desk my staff and I will be moving to (allegedly over the next couple of weeks); I used to be excited about this, but now I am wondering if it 's such a good idea after all. If we get Internet access, everyone is going to want to go online... and if things are slow and we're just sitting there with nothing to do, I think this is a swell way to pass the idle time. The problem is, one never knows what kind of day we are going to have (busy or slow), or just when something important is going to come up that requires a lot of attention. The Internet is great and all of that - but not when you are on company time, and they are paying you to do a job for their business. I can get online and start chatting, blogging, or whatever... but as soon as the phone rings, or somebody comes to the desk to talk to me about some issue, it will be time to shut it off, and who knows when I will be able to get back online again? I guess I'm just concerned that having Internet access will decrease productivity for my staff - and if we do get online access and our job performances start slipping, I have little doubt that we will be disconnected from Internet explorer - and fast. We'll just see how it goes...

Rush Limbaugh is getting a fair amount of heat these days for his radio show; I don't consider myself to be a 'talk-radio junkie', but since I no longer watch television I will turn on the radio (often switching channels quite frequently) to find out what is going on. I listen to bits and pieces of his (Mr. Limbaugh's) show... and while I am no redneck (if readers are offended by this term, go ahead and call me a Yankee; I can take the barb!), I do feel that Rush is one of the most successful broadcasters in our country today. A lot of people listen faithfully to his show, love him or hate him; and now that we have both a Democratic president and a Democratic majority in Congress, I wouldn't realistically expect his listeners to turn him off anytime soon. Let's face it: the Republicans and the Democrats might as well be from two different planets when it comes to political issues; there are strong thoughts and feelings about everything political on both sides of the aisle, and regardless of which team is up and which is down, both will always hold on to their convictions at any cost, no matter what. I thought it was amusing when I heard President Obama say something to the effect of "Americans are decent people, but sometimes they get a little confused. They listen to a lot of talk radio..." HA! Hey - at least Mr. Prez is paying attention to what's on the airwaves out there!  Still - my advice? If you don't like Rush Limbaugh, turn the dial and find a more suitable station. Just don't expect him to give up his job, simply because you don't like him. I'm sure he's very accustomed to his critics at this point!

Had a rather strange dream last night; I don't remember too many of the details, only that I was being chased down a long hallway of a building one minute (because I had set off an alarm), and the next a bunch of guys were working on installing a new toilet for me in what looked like a cave (!). Have NO idea what that was about... dreams can be cuckoo sometimes.

Guess that's all for now... I think I've squawked enough in this blog today!

For the past few days I have been thinking about two different countries (and no, surprisingly, one of them isn't Germany) - one of them is India, and the other one is Hungary. I'm not quite sure why I have been thinking about these two countries in particular (maybe it's just Aquarian energy)... but I have been, and I'd like to touch upon what I am thinking regarding both.

India, I feel, has great potential on the world stage over the next decade or so; despite its population and growing environmental problems, there is a younger generation of Indians that are technologically savvy, highly educated and hungry to learn about the world. Additionally, we need a strong ally in that part of the world; Pakistan's got me worried, there's so much red tape and secrecy in that country and its border touches Afghanistan. If we could somehow join forces with India, we stand to benefit from it - I hope to see our new president pursue this avenue more forcefully that 'W' did. It might be challenging, but the end result would be worth it, I believe. India is definitely going to be a rising star on the wolrd stage over the next ten years.

And Hungary - what is it about this country? A bit more mysterious to fathom - but here too, I sense tremendous potential. To me this country is 'sitting on a pot of gold', and they don't even know it; there's something in the future that they will be asked to bring forward, and share with the rest of the world. It could be an invention; it could be a mathematical or scientific discovery. But whatever it is, it's going to be something big... so keep your eyes and ears open, let's see if I'm right about this!

I had an interesting conversation with my supervisor, John, at work yesterday; he was telling me all about a trip he took to Brazil about 3 years ago, and what a great time he had there. I commented that women from that country don't believe in wearing much clothing; then he started telling me about the 'girl-watching' he did on the beaches (John is happily married, with three daughters, but men are always going to like to look) and that led us to a chat about strippers. I told him that, when a girl is young, she is in demand... but what happens when she gets older? He told me that 'Brazilian women are unbelievable, no matter what age thay are' - I think it's because of their diets. Either that, or all the sun they get down there!

My brother and I went shopping this afternoon (after our monthly lunch meeting); as we were strolling the aisles he suddenly said to me, "Did you see that woman over there? She was dressed head-to-toe in a black dress, and had a veil over her face". I turned to look at him (because I was wondering why he would bring this to my attention) and noticed that he seemed kind of nervous. "Maybe she's fresh off the boat" was all I could think of to say. Sometimes these foreigners do stand out a little bit to us cotton-and-jeans Americans; their clothes look so different from ours!

That's all for now... peace out.

So I was brushing my hair before work the other day, getting ready to tie it back in the usual way (ponytail) when I noticed a few gray hairs sitting on the top of my head. Before (like a couple of months ago), I only had 3 or 4 strands sprouting up at one time - this time I counted 9 of them! Pluck, pluck, pluck - but one day I won't be able to pluck them out anymore, there will be too many. So now there is a new question on my mind: what color should my new, post-gray hair color be?

Truth be told, I have always somewhat envied naturally blond-headed chicks. When I was in high school there was this girl named Elaine; she had such gorgeous blond hair, and I often complained to my mom that I thought she was prettier than me (drove my mom crazy sometimes). But now that my natural brown (actually chestnut) is on its way out, I am free to pick any shade - so I want to 'go for the blond', though I plan on experimenting with different hair colors and shades. Maybe I'll be blond first; then when that wears off I'll go for a deep shade of red, followed by a light brown or tan. Who knows - maybe at some point I'll get a little 'daring in my old age' and go for something wild, like a cottoncandy pink or a purple. Or maybe I'll just leave it au naturel sometimes (like in between dye colorings) and let the world know I have been around a few years. I can remember when my mom started going gray - we used to (humorously) tease her about it and she would say things like 'I've worked hard for these gray hairs'... she didn't give a rat's behind.

I don't know quite what I'm going to do just yet, but I'm definitely leaning toward the blond (gotta try it, at least a couple of times). Blame it on Elaine - I would say that I'm still jealous, but she's got to be going gray too right about now! ;)

I used to be very into astrology, many years ago; my sister and I used to read many sun and moon sign books, and we were both interested in how the different planets in our solar system affect both individual personalities and far-reaching, global events. The Sun has left Capricorn and is now in Aquarius; so if you're feeling kind of 'out of it' (or just not like your usual self), blame it on that pesky planet of sudden change, Uranus (which rules Aquarius). Now being a watery Sun sign, I am not a particularly big fan of Aquarian energies; I much prefer the 'tried-and-true', the familiar patterns of life and I don't like sudden, unexpected jolts of sudden change. But, this is what Aquarian energy thrives on... so whether you know someone born under this sign or you are just wondering what the next four weeks might be like, here is my take on it: whether we're looking at personal, political or global events, expect the unexpected - it's just natural when the Sun is moving through the sign of the water bearer.

My roommate continues to be cuckoo... and now that we've gone into Aquarius I am sure she's going to be even more unpredictable than usual. Nowadays she seems obsessed with purchasing products slated to whiten teeth; she's got gels, whitening boosters, mouthpieces and half-opened mail order kits scattered about the apartment. Of course it would help her to know, that smoking will greatly reduce the effects of any tooth-whitening product; if she wasn't so nasty I would tell her myself but screw it - let her blow all her (or her rich mommy's) money on stuff that won't work on her teeth! To me it looks completely ridiculous (why not spend some of that ample free time looking for a job, or getting that necessary surgery done on her backside) - but hey, I won't say anything. We recently got our place inspected (state law); I wasn't here but the other day she told me 'it was bad'. I can't imagine why; she's the one that dirties the place and doesn't ever bother to clean, so what kind of results was she expecting? She really doesn't have much grip on reality.

I ordered a bunch of stuff today by mail (and Internet); kind of expensive but I keep up with my payments, and I just got a raise at my job (definitely helps). I ordered a lovely porcelain doll, along with a beautiful velvet quilt (and sham) for my bed; I'm also getting two new hoodies (I need them, my wardrobe needs help this year), a lamp, a beautiful flower-design umbrella and a 'crackling' candle (supposed to sound like a fireplace). Oh, and a pair of slippers that look like bunnies (Easter is coming up soon). Most of what I am purchasing (if not all of it) is 1) made here in America (so I'm helping our economy, in my own small way, by buying all of these things); and 2) are needed, and will be put to good use (I don't like wasting my money, on anything). I am going to get for my sister a couple of chair cushions (she needs them) and a sink mat (to make my dishwashing more visually pleasant). Speaking of little sis, she was supposed to have gone through an inspection of her apartment this week - I haven't spoken to her yet, but I hope everything went well. It better have; I bought special cleaning products for her, and did most of the cleaning myself! I should hear about it this weekend.

I joined my fave band's official chat forum today... I was hesitant to join (because of the $$ required to do it), but I did it today. Things are slow right now, so I'll probably stay away for awhile... but then again I can't promise anything, sometimes I just like to talk about them to people who are just like me...

Currently reading my Hungarian tourguide book (I've had it for awhile, now I am finally digging into it)... and what do you know, but 'barack' is the Hungarian word for brandy! So when a Hungarian hears the name 'Barack Obama', to them it sounds like 'Brandy Obama'! I thought that was interesting to know... would someone pass that on to Mr. President for me? He may wind up visiting the Hungarians (formerly known as Magyars) sometime in the future!

That's all for now... peace out.

...Brief updates on these three subjects, in this order.

My roommate offered me some pizza last Friday night; I took a break from seeing my sister and I told her I didn't want any but I wound up taking some anyway. It had olives and onions on it; I tried to pick them off but I still tasted them in my mouth so later I wish I had just said NO and meant it, because I didn't want it anyway. Then the other night I was trying to sleep; it was 3 o'clock in the morning and my roommate had her TV turned WAY up. I could have gone into that living room, tied a noose around her neck and squeezed the life right out of her; I was really, really ticked off because I need to get to sleep at night because I go to work. I usually 'drift off' listening to parts of the Phil Hendrie show (sometimes I like his humor, other times I don't)... but the TV was so damn loud it was making me crazy, so I got up and went into the bathroom sevral times because I had to calm myself down. The strange thing is, that my roommate didn't even seem to notice; she absently looked at me when she went to turn down the thermostat about 3:30 am (her customary thing to do becfore she goes to bed for the night) and nothing was said about my being angry with her. Did she really not know, or was she just pretending she didn't know I was pissed? Then again maybe her mind was just in the far beyond; she doesn't have any sense of time and it really can get on my nerves. Must be nice to have a mommy with money - she doesn't have to work either! It's very up and down living with her.

I have decided that I'm only going to visit with my sister (the one with the fruit fly problem) twice a month; I did hit the red wine a bit more frequently last month than I probably should have but that is all over now. I need more time to myself - my sister is just going to have to understand that's how it is. She is a good deal younger than me (by 11 yrs.), so she doesn't understand it when I try to explain to her that Big Sis is starting to get older. She's not even 30 yet, whereas I will soon be saying goodbye to my 30s... so we are not in the same stage of life and I can't really expect her to understand what it's like being in the late 30's. It's different than your late 20's, that's for sure - which leads me to the next subject...

I decided to try a new product - Splenda with fiber - but it just isn't for me. I think I get enough fiber in my diet as it is... and without going into too much detail, let's just say 'too much of a good thing is no good' is true in this case as well. I have been feeling rather lethargic and tired as of late; part of this is probably due to astrological forces (the Sun is in my opposite sign, Capricorn, so it is affecting my natural energies to a degree) but part of it might just be that I am aging and my body is different. Middle age, as I understand it, is a kind of transition - but unlike adolescence (where the body prepares for young adulthood), during 'middle age' the body starts to prepare for old age (bummer!). Who wants to get old, really - I doubt that anyone does - but the reality is that everyone WILL get old, and aging is a process of nature. If you are health-conscious like me (and no doubt, that's a good thing), you can help yourself along as you age but you will still age. I don't want to look like I'm 22 when I'm 40; I'm not 22 anymore so why would I want to look like I am? I just want to look good for whatever-age-I-may-be, as the years go on. I want people to notice me and say "She looks good for her age", not "She looks like an overgrown teenager". I want my body to be sound and strong; I hope to hide my wrinkles from you but at the end of the day, when I take off my makeup, they will be there for me - I know this. You can defy nature, but only to a point; I believe that our bodies (which are physical things) go through a series of complex changes (many of them biological) as we go through different phases of life. There is no point in crying about not being 22 anymore; it is much more practical to try and stay as healthy as possible no matter what age you may be. I am about to start a new phase in my life, which is middle age - a part of me is scared, a part of me is resentful and a part of me is excited as well. It's going to be a time to say good-bye to my younger self, and usher in a newer, older me. I will strive to love this new chapter in my life, to continue to listen to my body and give it what it needs from me. We can stay healthy - but we will not stay young. And if you want to stay healthy into your middle years (and beyond), you have to accept where you are in life and realize it will take more effort to stay in the game from this point on. You will have to do more, but the challenges are worth staying healthy. It does feel different for me now. It isn't bad - just different. 

We are already into the new year, and only now am I getting around to thinking of things that I want to (or want to attempt to) do this year in order to make necessary improvements (or adjustments) in my life. Here is what I've come up with so far:

1. Visit the dentist more regularly - Regular checkups and cleanings should be part of my overall health plan.

2. Increase payment amounts to my credit cards (whenever possible) - The balances are getting kind of high, and the only way to keep them from getting out of control is to put higher amounts on the payments. I wanted everything that I put on my charge cards, so now I have to focus on paying much of it back. If it means less $$ in the savings account, so be it - I need to pay back what I borrowed.

3. Work on improving my wardrobe - 2008 was a time that I made improvements to my room; I have lots of attractive things to look at now so that is pretty much all set. This year I need to work on my clothes (I really do need an upgrade on my wardrobe), so that's what I will be focusing on more this year than in the past.

4. Continue keeping up with health concerns - Health is of the utmost importance, that's not going to change too much for me.

Hopefully this will be a good year... we'll just have to see how it goes.

...So when I got back from the dentist the other day I felt a headache coming on; sometimes I get really bad ones when I don't have my daily coffee fix by a certain time of the day (between 11 and noon). So I thought, no big deal, I'll just drop a couple of Excedrin Tension headache and that will take care of it. But 2 of those didn't, so I took a couple of Advil, thinking that should do the trick - it still didn't work. Then I took 2 Excedrin Extra Strength tablets a few hours later, thinking 'this has got to do it' - but my head was still throbbing. Two more of the Extra Strength and my head pain started going away - but then I got this awful ringing in my ears and my heart sped up, my muscles all cramped up, it was an awful sensation that lasted for several hours. I was trying to drift off to sleep and I was thinking about Dr. (actually he isn't anymore) Richard Sharpe, a local criminal who made headlines here in Boston when he went to his ex-wife Karen's home and shot her point-blank with a gun.  They found him in his jail cell Tuesday a.m.; looks like he hanged himself but there is an investigation underway. I was thinking about his kids, how awful it must have been to experience something like that (one parent murdering another). My understanding was, his kids were very distressed (understandably) over losing their mother, and wanted to have nothing to do with their dad, ever again. So if he was looking for sympathy from his kids over what he did to their mom, he must have been pretty disappointed by their shunning him after the crime was committed. But this is just what I don't understand: Why do they do it in the first place? In any case... I was thinking about the Sharpe case, and that's when the loud buzzing in my ears started up. I guess the moral of the story is this: Unless you want to go to jail for the rest of your life (and lose just about everything you have), don't ever kill anyone, even if you vehemently hate them. And don't take too much Excedrin at one time - next time I'll live with a little headache pain if I really have to! It was a pretty scary experience.

...So I finally made it out to see the dentist (actually the hygienist); as usual I was nervous but the cleaning went very well. She has been my tooth cleaner for well over 20 years now; and I remember my dentist as an apprentice to another doctor (who has long since retired), so he's got to be in his late 50s or early 60s now. Anyway - I haven't had x-rays taken since '99 or 2000, so I paid a little extra to have them done today. The doctor came in, asked me if anything was bothering me and I said no; he barely poked around at all, then said, 'Everything looks good'. Boy did that make my day today!! The last time I went (to see him) was May of 2005 - about 3 1/2 years ago - and being the pessimist that I am, I thought for sure I must have a cavity or two THIS time, since I haven't had a cavity problem for well over a decade now. But no, everything was fine; x-rays don't lie and the doc said there was nothing on them, so I got a clean bill of health from the dentist . Even so, I have already scheduled my next appointment for mid-September, because I am middle-aged now (whatever THAT means), and I need to do better than once every three years in terms of getting my teeth (and gums) cleaned and checked. The bill wasn't all that bad either; I thought it would be well over $200 (because of the x-rays) but it wasn't even $150 - good deal, as far as I am concerned. So that's it for me with the dentist concerns, at least until the fall... I take very good care of my teeth, but even so you still have to visit the dentist from time to time. Things went well for me today! It makes you feel like you're you're doing something right when your dentist tells you that you've got no cavities :).

...So I saw my sister again over the Christmas holiday; we arranged that I would come over and help her clean the place up because I guess she needs help cleaning. She told me I should probably 'bring along a bottle of insect killer', because she had 'a few fruit flies' buzzing around in the apartment and bugs can really annoy me. So I did, I went there, she opened the door... There must have been about 100 fruit flies swarming around in there. We had to leave for 15 mins. (to let the poison work), and I stayed over but the next day there were STILL flies appearing from somewhere. I found weeks and weeks' worth of trash in one of her closets; I try to be patient with her but I lost it, I asked her why the hell she had not thrown the trash away (the trash chute is right down the hall, for Chrissakes), and she started getting upset. She has trouble doing routine, regular things that people generally don't have to think to much about: things like throwing out the garbage, taking showers, doing laundry and brushing one's teeth. I told her if these things are getting to be too difficult for her to keep up with, then she needs to talk to her social worker (or counselor) about it because this could turn out to be a serious problem. I also told her that, although I cannot look after her full-time, I would never leave her, and that I will always be here for her right up to her (or my, as the case may be) last breath. When I love someone, there is very little I will not do for them; I told her that, no matter how badly she may mess up, or what happens in her life I will still be here. Even so I am gravely concerned about her, and I know that I need to keep the pressure on her to seek further treatment because what I see is not going to get better on its own. This much is obvious to me...

In other news - my roommate continues to be a dragdown force in my life. Haven't heard a damn word about the surgery she supposedly needs to have done regarding her condition (diverticulosis); she is losing a lot of weight, she was overweight before but now she is getting dangerously thin and I can't get her to a hospital. She isn't eating that much, because she knows she needs the surgery but she doesn't want to do it, so she'd rather starve than do what has to be done. Doesn't make any sense... but then again she is schizophrenic, I don't think she is sane. Not anymore - no way.

Have an appointment with the dentist (finally!) next Tuesday; already crying about the money it's going to cost to sit in a chair for 20 mins. and get poked around in the mouth, but I'm already grossly overdue for a checkup so for the sake of my health I have to suck it up and be a big girl about the matter. It has to be done, period. I can cry about the cost after it's over. Maybe try to work more hrs. at my job down the line. It's not like I'm going to go broke or anything horrendous like that; I just don't feel like paying for the checkup, that's all. Sure hope I don't have any cavities... if I do I'll be shelling out even MORE dough. OY... that's all for this bulletin. Will try to check back next week, to write about how my appointment with the tooth doctor went.

...So I went over my sister's place tonight,we both overdid it with the booze/ Her with her bubbly champagne and me with my red wine/ We talked a lot about makeup, because she used to want to be a makeup consultant but she told me 'That dream died...' / Anyway,she offered to let me stay over her place (even got the spare bed ready and everything), and I was tempted to do it but I HAVE to go to work tomorrow and I am used to the feel of my own bed/ As much as my roommate drives me crazy (I even feel like strangling her sometimes), I like sleeping in my own bed at the end of the day/ On the way home, on the train, these two guys (they actually weren't bad-looking) accosted me, and started talking about Bruce Lee/ If I had been sober I probably would have shooed them away, but I wasn't so I decided to talk to them/ I did not know that both Bruce Lee AND his son had died/ I told them that my dad had been a big fan of Bruce Lee's movies (that is not a lie), but also that I had had no idea that both Bruce and his son were no longer among the living/ One of the kids (they looked like 'Gen-Y'ers, and all Gen-Y'ers are kids to me, sorry folks) asked me if I was 'happy'; I told him flat out, 'Anyone who tells you that they are happy in life is full of ****, don't believe it' - and then it was my turn to get off. And now it is my turn to get off the computer and turn in for the night/ What can I say, I'm sorry God for messing up tonight, please just let me get some quality sleep and I will try to be more careful next time/ We didn't even drink that much, but we drank on empty stomachs (always a bad idea), and we started too late/ I left my sis in a drunken stupor on the couch/ I don't even know if she was aware that I left...